He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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