I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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