dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
