bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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