the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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