I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
