and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
