So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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