...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
