i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
