Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
