You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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