I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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