I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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