I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
