also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
