my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
