I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize