I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
