Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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