You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
