Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
