The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we're so committed to being not committed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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