you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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