since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
