kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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