my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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