i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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