a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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