My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
