Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
