some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
BRING THE BAGELS
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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