I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
