I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
