member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
