i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
