is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
