oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
