my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
