I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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