shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
