i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
