Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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