why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
