I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
