Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
