based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
