If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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