Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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