I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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