I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
