I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
