the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize