I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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