I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
