i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
