I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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