My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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