I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
